Snodige Norge
by Valkyrie's Emblem
Summary: "Weird Norway" There are some things about Norway that are just a little bit weird. This is a one-shot collection about some of those things. Current chapter: The All Important Moose Sign Suvenirs
1. Texas Equals Crazy

**I don't mean to offend you guys, but from my American perspective you Norwegians can be really weird sometimes. I mean it in the nicest way though.**

 **I will be the first to admit that I'm slightly obsessed with Norway. It's just so pretty and it's so nice there and things like that.**

 **Unfortunately, I have not been there. Yet. I have plans to try to visit there in July, and if I am able to get a job soon, get good hours, and save practically all of it, hopefully I'll be dragging my friend around for two weeks.**

 **Until then, I am stuck with stuff I've gathered from the Internet and my friend. So, if you have any suggestions or I wrote something really stupid and untrue, please tell me.**

 **I've also done some other stories involving odd things about Norway. You can go look at them if you want to see something that's not in this collection.**

 **Finally, I use the human names for the countries. I will try to make it fairly obvious who is who, but if you're still confused you can look at my bio. I have a list there of the names I use for the nations.**

 **I will tell you that Norway is Lukas Bondevik, however.**

 **Disclaimer: Tror dere at jeg faktisk eier Hetalia? Vær så snill. Jeg ville allerede ha vært i Norge vil jeg gjorde det. Men det har jeg ikke. Forstår dere?**

* * *

 **Texas Equals Crazy**

"Hey dude!"

Lukas bit back a groan, briefly closing his eyes and sighing internally. He turned around, staring at Alfred with a blank face. "Yes?" he asked the American.

Alfred didn't seem to notice that Lukas really wanted him to go away so he could go home before Mikkel caught up with him and tried to force him to do some "Nordic bonding". He just smiled and said, "So, I came up with something we could do together! I was planning to ask Alasdair if he wanted to come to!"

The Norwegian had to force himself to not just say no and walk off. "What exactly did you want me to do?"

"I was gonna see if you guys wanted to have a beer drinking contest! Aoife, Mattie, and Ludwig already agreed! I'd ask Mikkel, but he's hanging out with Gil and doing something. Huh, that may be why Lud..."

Lukas just stared at him, his face showing as much disbelief as he would allow himself to show in public. (Which was barely any. He would be shocked if Alfred could even tell.) As the American started rambling about something to do with the Germanics, he had a traumatic flashback to what had happened the last time he went out drinking with that specific group of people and wondered why Alfred thought that doing it again was a good idea.

"Nei," he snapped, cutting Alfred off. "Dette er helt texas, ikke på tale at jeg gjør det her."

The American blinked. "What?"

Realizing he snapped in Norwegian, Lukas translated, "No. That is a texas idea. I am _not_ going to do that again."

"No, I had gotten that," he said. "It's just... why are you saying Texas?"

"It means crazy."

Alfred stared at him for a moment. "You guys use Texas to say something is crazy?"

"Ja..."

They stood there for a couple minutes, Alfred with a look of sheer disbelief on his and Lukas wondering why it was such a big deal to the other nation. It was just an expression after all...

Finally, the American shook his head. "Well, some of them are crazy but still..."

They stood there awkwardly for another few seconds before Lukas turned and started walking away. As he stepped into the elevator, he heard Alfred ask, "Hey, dude, you coming?"

"Nei," Lukas sighed, closing the elevator door and making plans to spend the next few days having some quality time with his little brother since Alasdair was one of the few people that actually knew where he lived. Why did he tell the Scotsman where he actually lived in the first place anyway...

* * *

 **Yes, they actually do use texas as a word to say something is crazy. I find that funny.**

 **By the way, I do not mean to offend any Texans when I say that you guys are crazy. Blame stereotypes. :p**

 **Also, I have this idea that Lukas lives somewhere fairly secluded and doesn't tell many people where he lives so Mikkel (Denmark) and other annoying nations don't come and bug him all hours of the day. Tell me this doesn't sound like something he would do.**

 **And this won't be the last time we see Alfred show up. I'm American, so it's fairly easy for me to figure out how he would react to some of these things.**

 **Anyway, please review if you have any suggestions for things I should do.**


	2. Going to a Hytte

**Hyttetur**

"Um... Nor- or I guess you told me to call you Lukas..." Ludwig started hesitantly, having no idea how to phrase his question.

Lukas didn't even look over at him, choosing instead to concentrate on parking his car. "Yes, I did."

"Um... Why exactly are we leaving the car here?"

The Norwegian finally turned to him, staring at him as he said, pointing out the windshield, "En- The road has ended." The German looked out and saw that he was right, but before he could say anything about that Lukas continued, "And to- there is no road leading to the cabin. We will have to walk."

Ludwig stared at him, a blank look on his face. "We have to walk there."

"Ja."

"It's winter."

"I never would have guessed."

"And there is snow everywhere."

"That's a bad thing to you?"

"Do you see the problem with this?"

"There's a problem?"

Ludwig stared at him in disbelief, trying to comprehend what he had just learned. _I should have listened to Mikkel when he said not to agree... I shall never doubt you again..._ Suddenly, he remembered some of the incidents the Dane had gotten into over the years. _Never mind. I will not make that promise._

While he was thinking about this, Lukas had gotten out of the car, something the German hadn't noticed until the cold air entered into the car from the open drivers seat. Cursing the Norwegian for not closing his door, he reached into the back seat and hurriedly put on his warm overcoat before following him.

The moment he was in arms reach of the him, Lukas placed a couple of bags and a shovel in his hands without saying anything. He slung the remaining pack over his shoulders before shutting the trunk and taking the shovel from Ludwig's arms. That done, he closed the car door and started walking off, gesturing for the German to follow him.

After a few minutes of walking, Ludwig asked, "So, how far away is this hytte of yours?"

It took Lukas a moment to answer, probably thinking about it, but he replied, "Less than an hour. Probably another fourty minutes or so."

"We're going to be that far away from the road?!"

"Obviously."

"What if there's a blizzard or something and we're too far away from people?"

"Finnes ikke dårlig vær, bare dårlige klær."

"...What about your clothes and weather?"

Lukas just shot a look at him, silencing any further protests.

* * *

By the time they reached the hytte, Ludwig was actually panting, his feet killing him. He was extremely fit, yes, but he wasn't use to hiking for close to an hour. In the cold. Up a mountain. With too much snow on the ground.

In comparison, Lukas seemed like he had just gone for a morning walk, making the German wonder just how often he went on a hytte. He already apparently lived in the middle of nowhere and didn't tell anyone where he lived so no one could bother him. Why did he need to get even farther away?

"The toilet is over there," Lukas spoke up, gesturing to a small building about five minutes away with the shovel.

"There's not one inside?" Ludwig asked. The only reply he got was the Norwegian raising an eyebrow at him, though he could practically hear him think, _Are you an idiot? Did you actually expect there to be one inside a cabin?_

Or maybe that was his mind. He couldn't figure out which it was.

"There's also no shower," Lukas continued, "so you'll have to go without or jump in the lake. Not the river because that's our water source."

Ludwig was really starting to regret agreeing to go on a hytte with the Nordic. And that was before he walked into the hytte and realized that it seemed to be even colder inside than outside- a real accomplishment in his mind.

Lukas barely seemed to notice, placing his pack and the shovel down before grabbing some firewood and carefully placing it in the fireplace. He didn't have any matches on him, but the German saw him mouth something before reaching out a hand, causing the logs to catch on fire. That done, he stood back up before looking over at him and saying, "I used a spell this time, so it should war, up a bit faster than usual. It'll still be a few hours, so we may as well go get more firewood and fish for our stay."

* * *

Ludwig refused to talk about what happened while they were getting fish. He doubted that Lukas would let him forget anytime soon, if his comments of "I'm surprised your fingers didn't come off. Probably good thing you're a nation," we're any indication.

The firewood gathering went better, though Lukas insisted on only making two trips for some reason.

It was while he was attempting to warm up while the Norwegian was making dinner that a real problem arose. Ludwig tried to deny it for as long as possible, but he was eventually forced to realize that, yes, he did have to use the facilities.

Finally deciding to swallow his pride, the German asked, "Um... Lukas?"

"Yes?"

"Is there anywhere I can... well... use the facilities?"

Lukas turned and stared at him. "I pointed it out when we first arrived," he said slowly.

"Well, I was wondering if there was somewhere else I could... relieve myself?"

The Norwegian didn't even attempt to stop himself from rolling his eyes. "Nei. There is not. Just use the outhouse."

Ludwig _really_ regretted this.

You would think that using an outhouse would be far from the worst thing about this trip, but you would have to forget the fact that Ludwig was a slight germaphobe and preferred things to always be squeaky clean. Outhouses, as a general rule, were not up to his strict standards of cleanliness.

He stared at the door to the outhouse, finally forcing himself to suck it up and do his business so he could go back inside and curl back up in front of the fireplace.

After he was done and was starting to head back to the hytte, he passed by Lukas, who was carrying some kind of food in a bowl. "What are you doing?"

"I am giving this to the sjønisse," he said, not looking back.

It was a this point that Ludwig decided that Berwald was telling the truth when he said Norwegians- and by extension Lukas- were completely weird.

He wondered how he could send out a message asking something to come up so they could leave early.

* * *

As it turned out, he didn't have to figure that out.

Three days later, just when Ludwig was about to cave and head back to the car to grab the suitcase full of paperwork he forgot, Lukas somehow got a message and told them that they would have to leave early. He didn't say why, but Ludwig couldn't help but notice that he sounded dissapointed at the fact that they would have to leave early.

When they finally got back to the car, Ludwig almost cried upon seeing that it was covered in snow.

 _Screw it, I am going to Italy. I don't care how much Romano will yell at me, I need to get away from this snow._

* * *

 **Shame on you Ludwig. You should enjoy going on a hytte and getting away from everything.**

 **Anyway, going on a hytte (hyttetur is sort of the norsk equivalent to that phrase) is basically when Norwegians go to a cabin in the middle of nowhere and spend time there for however long they want.**

 **Yes, they do that for fun. It does kind of sound like fun, doesn't it? :p**

 **Finnes ikke dårlig vær, bare dårlig klær- There is no such thing as bad weather, only bad clothing**

 **Basically means that you don't have an excuse not to do something. Like if it's raining and you have a rainjacket or other clothes, you don't have an excuse not to go outside.**

 **And to the guest that mentioned that Mikkel knows where Lukas lives, he moved sometime after WWII. He still has a house in Oslo people know about, but he mostly lives in a smaller town and only like three people know where he lives.**


	3. Snow Days (Or Rather, The Lack Of)

**Snow Days (Or Rather The Lack Of)**

Lukas was not happy when his boss told him that he would have to entertain a certain American personification for a week.

Alfred actually was not a bad person to be around- in small doses. He was almost as insane as a certain idiotic Dane, and the Norwegian sadly wasn't always able to avoid him, so to counter that, he tried his best to limit the exposure he had to other crazy nations.

Unfortunately, his Prime Minister told his King, who cheerfully suggested that he instead invite Timo over for the holidays.

Obviously, he chose the lesser of the two evils.

And to top it all off, the plane the American was taking had been delayed and Lukas hadn't realized it until he had already gotten to the airport, forcing him to sit in his car for an hour and run down the battery on his phone because he hadn't expected to have to wait that long to pick him up.

Finally, just as he was about to leave a message for Alfred to find a bus or train or something to take him to his home in Oslo because he was not waiting any longer, the doors began to open and he began to mentally countdown.

 _Fem... Fire... Tre... To... En-_

"DUDE! LUKAS! NORWAY! WHATEVER YOU WANT ME TO CALL YOU! OPEN THE FREAKING DOOR BEFORE I FREEZE TO DEATH AGAIN!"

Mentally congratulating himself for having guessed the exact amount of time it would take for Alfred to start yelling, he unlocked the door to let the American in, and proceeded to regret it as he almost hit him with his suitcase while he was throwing it in the back.

"Sorry, dude!" Alfred yelped, cringing back when he noticed Lukas slightly glaring at him. "I didn't mean to! It's just so cold out!"

Lukas sighed. "Don't do it again." Noticing the American's hand slowly creeping towards the controls for the heat, he added, "Make it hotter in here and you'll be sleeping outside."

Alfred didn't try again for the rest of the drive to Lukas' public house, though he did continue to complain about the cold.

"Are you sure you're not Canadian?" Lukas finally asked, causing Alfred to stare at him like he had just announced that he was actually an alien and was planning to take over the world.

"How could you say that! I'm not in a relationship with maple syrup!"

He wished that that was the weirdest thing he had heard come out of the American's mouth. Shaking his head, he replied, "While I thank Skaði for that and doubt that Matthew loves syrup-"

" _Maple_ syrup. Mattie always gets mad at me for not saying maple."

"-That much, you can't deal with the cold. At all. And thus you are Canadian to me."

Alfred just stared at him in disbelief. "Dude, Canadians are crazy _because_ they deal with too much snow and it's freezing there! You're insane!"

Lukas had to take several deep breaths to keep himself from laughing. "Please, what they get is nothing," he finally said after he was sure he could control himself.

"But I'm the awesome United States of America! The Land of the Free! I'm not the land of maple syrup and crazy hockey fans!"

"I didn't say you were."

"You implied it!"

"When did I do that?"

"...I hate you."

"Keep telling yourself that."

* * *

The next morning, as Lukas was enjoying his third cup of glorious coffee, he heard shouts coming from the guest room. He questioned whether he should bother to check it out or not, but Alfred ran into the room before he could decide and started jumping up and down like a little child during Christmas.

"IT'S SNOWING LUKAS! THERE'S SNOW!"

The Norwegian sighed. "Yes, it is. Did you need something?"

"There's snow..." Alfred replied, tilting his head like a confused puppy. (Which in some was he kind of was if he thought about it.)

"And your point is?"

"You're not excited about the snow?"

"It happens all of the time. And I was up in Finnmark last week. So not really."

"But snow means no school and you have an amazing excuse for not going into work! How could you not be happy about that?"

Lukas just stared at him. "If we closed schools every time we got snow, there would be no school at all during the winter. You close schools every single time you get snow?"

Alfred started hyperventilating. "But... but... but... you don't... you make them... school?"

"Yes... yes, they do go to school..." Lukas said, concerned about the American.

Alfred took a couple more deep breaths before passing out.

After checking to make sure he was still breathing, Lukas facepalmed and went to get his special smelling salts to revive the American, who came to surprisingly fast.

"Dude, what the crap did you put under my nose!" he screamed.

 _Note to self: start selling these smelling salts to the other nations. After getting video proof they work, of course. Hmm... should I use Mikkel as my test subject or should I switch it up and use Berwald?_

While Lukas was debating that in his head, Alfred looked around suspiciously. "Dude, did someone come in and hit me or did your demon cat I've heard about from Mikkel trip me?"

"You've never met my cat and the only ones she doesn't like is Mikkel and Andrei because that idiot Dane keeps stepping on her tail and she hasn't gotten over that idiot Romanian 'accidently' turning her fur pink," he said, rolling his eyes. "No, you fainted because you are shocked that not every country lets their kids out of school the moment it even looks like snow."

Alfred started hyperventilating again, causing Lukas to facepalm again and finally slap the American because he didn't know how else to make him stop. "Quit it. It's not like every single one of your states closes schools unless there is a blizzard. Or are you implying that no one goes to school during the winter in Alaska."

"When you put it that way..." Alfred muttered, still looking dejected.

Lukas sighed. "Look, if you want to, I can show you how to make snow caves. Just quit moping about something that has absolutely to do with your country. Or at least until I put my plans for world domination into effect."

"What's a snow cave? And do you actually have plans for world domination?"

"You'll see."

* * *

 **Yes, apparently Norwegians to call people that handle the cold Canadians. Considering how Americans kind of see Canada as a frozen wasteland sometimes and have a great brotherly rivalry with our neighbors up north, Alfred isn't happy.**

 **By the way, I don't meant to offend you Canadians. I love you guys even though you're weird ^^**

 **Finnmark is the northernmost county in Norway. I did NOT spell Finland wrong.**

 **And while it may be a southern thing (it's probably a southern thing) and is shocking, Norway doesn't let their kids out of school when it snows! I know, how could they!**

 **But seriously, they couldn't do that if they wanted them to get any education. And if you called your boss they would probably tell you to get out your skis and go to work that way.**

 **I thought about adding the snow cave thing to this chapter, but I can't decide if I want to torture Alfred more or bring a certain Spaniard in for a change. What do you guys think?**


	4. No, This My Sign

**No, This My Sign**

Lukas sighed as he saw yet another tourist try to take down one of the moose warning signs. He knew it was a tourist because they were the only ones weirdly fixated on the signs.

Deciding to go up to the tourist and ask them to _please_ leave the sign alone because he was tired of replacing them, he got out of the car and started walking towards him.

"Look," he started to say in English, figuring that the person probably understood at least some of that language, "I realize that the moose signs are... interesting... to you foreigners, but could you please not-"

Lukas trailed off as the person turned around. "Ludwig? _Tyskland?"_

They stared at each other for a while, Ludwig looking exactly like a deer in the headlights and Lukas in disbelief, before the German just grabbed the sign and bolted.

After a few moments, Lukas just facepalmed and started walking back to his car. "Prussia trying to steal another one wouldn't surprise me, but _Germany?_ What? Then again they are related..." he muttered.

Just as he was opening the car door, he heard something metal hit the ground and looked up to see Mikkel, Alfred, and Gilbird- the "Awesome" Trio, or, as others have started to call them, "The Idiot Trio"- staring at him in horror.

The Norwegian looked down at the sign they dropped. "That's one of the troll signs from Hunderfossen," he deadpanned.

All three of them looked down at the sign, looked back up at him, then looked at each other. "RUN!" Alfred shouted, grabbing the sign and sprinting away, the other two close behind.

"DUDE, WHY DIDN'T YOU TELL US HE WAS IN THIS AREA!"

"I THOUGHT HE WAS VISITING ICY! HOW WAS I SUPPOSED TO KNOW HE WAS HERE?!"

"HEY, IS THAT YOU WEST? WAIT, IS THAT A MOOSE SIGN? KESESESESESE! I KNEW YOU WERE MY AWESOME BROTHER!"

Lukas started to bash his head against the car, only stopping when his head really started to hurt. He silently got in the car, called his boss to tell him he was going to be gone for the next month and to bill the weird German and three idiots for the stolen signs, and drove back to his house to pack.

* * *

 **Shorter chapter today, sorry.**

 **Anyway this was brought up by the fact that there are Beware of Moose signs in Norway (and Sweden, but we don't care about that because this is about Norway). That's not the weird part. I've seen Beware of Deer signs where I live and it's not even really forested here. May be different for you guys though.**

 **No, the weird thing is that they get stolen** _ **all the time.**_ **And mostly by German tourists. I found out about it months ago and it still makes no sense.**

 **By the way, does anyone know what they do with them? As funny as it is, I don't think they put them in the holes they dig on the beaches in Denmark and the Netherlands like Scandinavia and the World suggested.**

 **And yes, Norway has a place called Hunderfossen Familiepark that's pretty much an amusement park with trolls. Norwegians love their trolls. A lot.**

 **No seriously they do. I'm not even joking.**

 **It will probably be the next chapter actually.**

 **(And please ignore the fact that the I have no idea how close the park is to any moose signs. If you're bothered by it, pretend that they were being idiots and for some reason dragged it all the way to where Lukas and Ludwig were instead of just getting in Mikkel's car and hightailing it back to Denmark.)**


End file.
